2. Is it difficult to decide?

Often times it seems that there is only one direction we can go. The road we have been on. We have commitments to our families, to our employers, to our friends and even more. I was cycling down this road and I was going and going, peddling away. I did my best to fight the wind that was in my face and the road seemed endless. It did not feel like I was enjoying the journey, I wasn’t looking left and right and taking in the scenery. It felt lonely, no one was meeting up with me to go this journey together. I was so busy travelling the distance to that goal, to reach the end of that road. But what was that going to bring me? It seemed the right thing to do. Someone put that road there and it is clearly the best route to cycle. But was paddling away on my bike what I should be doing right now?

People were saying they thought it was brave to make the decision to start a sabbatical, while for me it felt like giving up. Maybe both was right. Often times we continue on a certain path because we are afraid to face our fears. I had been doing some thinking about those fears. My job kept me engaged and gave me a high sense of fulfilment. At work I was someone and I felt valued. I was able to work on meaningful things and I had always been passionate about what I was working on. It was clear to me what had to be done and I enjoyed working with the people. I had made a commitment to this company and the people and I was rewarded well for it. And now I was coming back to that commitment, not delivering what  had promised. People may be very unhappy with me, I was letting them down. I was deciding for the unknown, who was I going to be in a professional sense. I spend a lot of time at work, having a lot of my social engagement there. Without that, I going to be lonely. Was it going to feel like to walls closing in to me? Was I going to get lost now that I was not going to go that road, also not at a slower pace by foot?

But it didn’t seem fearful for me. I had checked whether I had the gear and supply to go off road and felt prepared to head off the beaten track. I was going to take time to take in my surroundings and was going to go where ever it seemed worth exploring. I was going to make sure to get fit and stay fit and take breaks whenever I needed. I was going to get rid of the unnecessary weight. All those piled up chores. Deciding to either not do it or get on with it and getting them done. All those negative feeling and resentments, finding out what was bothering me and either accepting them or resolving the cause. I was going to enjoy this journey, every step of it and I was going to need my full attention. It was not important to reach my goal, but I was going to explore and learn, feel at peace and enjoy. I was ready to accept anything unexpected that was going to come on my path.

This was post number 2. If you enjoyed reading it, please come back or have a look at my previous posts. I am curious to hear from you, so please leave your comments.

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