11. The fear of blogging
Writing my personal story in this blog has been a way to do self-reflection and to get some focus. Once it is written down it seems more real. At the same time I have been afraid to share my story. The question is why?
I do want to write, but do feel a bit embarressed. How do people interpret what I write? Do they feel I am this foggy person now, with my head in the clouds? Do they think I am selfish for taking this time for myself? What if people don’t take me serious anymore at work? Do they think it is unprofessional to write about your feelings? Is it any good what I am writing? Would anybody be even interested in it? Why post it online and not keep it for myself?
Does all of that really matter is what I need to ask myself. To begin and get over the first hurddle I made my blog site under a pseudonym and shared it with a few people I trust. They were positive about my first two posts. This got me to the next step to spread the word more. Mostly to people that I do not know in anonymous groups online. I have nagging thoughts about yes or no to use my personal and professional network to post it to, but I haven’t so far.
Which fear is holding me back? Is it the fear of not being good enough. I am this perfectionist and can be really hard on myself if it is not 100% in order. Can I not just see this as something I just started doing and evolve as I progress? Look at it now, this is my 11th post and there are so many more topics I like to write about. Also, the interactions and posts of others give me new ideas to reflect upon. Isn’t it great to get some different views on life and try things out? I have had posts where there were spelling errors and wrong numbering in the title, a storyline that doesn’t quite flow or I forget to upload the feature photo. Big deal! I don’t think so now. It helps me be more forgiving to myself. I am doing this because I want and like to do it. And it may be a big deal for me if it isn’t perfect, somebody else may think it is just human. Or doesn’t even notice.
Then there is the fear of not being understood or respected. I question really hard what appearance am I trying to keep up to people around me, family, friends, acquintances, colleagues, bosses, …. Why am I afraid to bring more of myself into those relations? Why do I hold back and only show whatever seems approvable, acceptable and the perfect version of my self? On too many occassions I have had harsh responses when I wasn’t my perfect self. As a child already I felt like the odd one out. Not standing out and being agreeable seemed to avoid those negative responses in some cases. In contrast when it came to my results in terms of schoolwork or in my job, I did get positive responses. Maybe I started to believe that this was the only thing I was good at. Always trying to please others. Be professional and delivering good work started to be the top priority. What I ask myself now is whether I can be content with myself when being a bit more self-confident about all the other things that I am, do, think and enjoy. Accept my imperfections and just be in the moment. So what if people do not like my blog. So what if people don’t want to read it. But it is one thing I am doing right now and it is part of me. That still doesn’t mean I need to share it with everyone, but it is out there. And I am surely not that unique that I am the only one having these thoughts.
This leads to the thought that I need to justify myself. What fear is that? And whom and for what do I need to justify myself? Is it that I have tried so hard to be the responsable one, the person that keeps everything afloat and solves the problem. And I am. And I think I like it that way. But why do I continue to fomulate justifications in my head or verbally to others if I decide for me. I seem to have a constant guilt and feel selfish. Is it that, the fear of being seen as selfish. Why is it so hard to choose for me rather than living up to the perceived expectations of myself and others. I do thing this is a vital one. And it is getting in the way of choosing my hearts desires. If I am more at ease with myself can I be a better person? And what does this better person look like? More food for thought…
Curious to hear from you if you think I should get out there to all those people that know me in real life. I still do not have the courage.